I’m guessing I’m not alone in essentially calling my fantasy football hopes for this season dashed at best.  I don’t know why I suck at fantasy football, but I really seem to suck at fantasy football.

Maybe I just don’t have an eye for football, or maybe I’m watching the wrong things.  I decided I’d be good at fake fantasy football.  Like fantasy fantasy football.  What kind of team could I put together if I could choose from TV and movie football players?  I bet it would be fun if nothing else.

There’s gotta be some rules.  I can’t take players from movies about real players.  Like obviously I would love to take Micheal Oher as a tackle, but that’s too easy.  I also couldn’t put Rudy Rudiger on my defensive line, which would be a bad move anyway, but its the point that matters.

That said, I can take actors who were actually athletes.  I can’t pick The Rock as a linebacker from the University of Miami, but I can pick Spencer Strasmore from Ballers if I want a retired Dolphin.

So here we go.  Like I said, I’m bad at this, so I welcome debate.

Offensive Line –

Billy Bob – Varsity Blues – Played By Ron Lester, who got really skinny, but then died.

Manumana – Necessary Roughness – He was the big dude who protected the Kathy Ireland kicker, who (spoiler alert) will not be my kicker pick.

Turley – The Longest Yard (Sandler Version) – Played By Dalip Singh, who’s credits also include HOUBA! On the Trail of the Marsupilami

I haven’t seen it.

Louie Lastic – Remember The Titans – Played by Ethan Suplee, who is also skinny now, but not dead.  His best role was My Name Is Earl which is a classic.

Bud Light Kaminski – The Program – Played by Abraham Benrubi who played the stereotypical big dumb guy in every 90’s show ever made I think.

 

Quarterback –

This is obviously pretty tough as the quarterback is often the most talked about part of the movie.  You have Sandler and Reynolds both killing it as Paul “Wrecking” Crewe.  Of course there’s Scott Bakula taking a quantum leap to being football player in Necessary Roughness.  The late great Paul Walker in Varsity Blues was a star QB then coach in the same season!  And his backup Dawson was a star too!  I could go on and on, but my choice, after beating out Dennis Quaid’s, Cap Rooney…

Willie Beamen – Any Given Sunday – Jaimee Foxx, who I thought was super annoying until I heard him on Howard Stern.  Now I’m actually a big fan.

 

Running Backs (This league gives me three) –

Meggett – The Longest Yard – Played by Nelly, because rappers make the best running backs.

Julian Washington – Any Given Sunday – Played by L.L. Cool J, because as I said…

Darnell Jefferson – The Program – Played by Omar Epps, who was once the next Denzel.  I don’t know what happened to that cat.  Maybe it was because he tried to be Willie Mays Hayes after Wesley Snipes.  I’m not sure he can rap, but he plays a running back like he can.

 

TE/WR –

Rod Tidwell – Jerry Maguire – Played by Cuba Gooding Jr., because he is one of the best characters ever and cried on the Roy Firestone show.

Jarvis Edison – Necessary Roughness – Played by Jason Bateman, who…how the hell did Jason Bateman get cast in a football movie.  Justine Bateman is a more believable wide receiver,  she was clearly the most athletic Keaton in the Family Ties family.

Charlie Tweeder – Varsity Blues – Played by Scott Caan who’s dad James Caan was the coach in The Program, so he probably gave Scott some tips.  You know, cuz he’s a coach and everything.

Deacon Moss – The Longest Yard – Played by Michael Irvin, who actually did a pretty solid job acting like a wide receiver who had some trouble with the law.  Wild.

 

I’m happy with this squad.  I think they can score against any fantasy fantasy defense out there.

NEXT UP – DEFENSE

 

 

I made my ESPN radio debut last week.  I didn’t want to.  It was before the NBA playoffs started, baseball is so new the Reds are good, and fuck hockey.  I never listen to Bomani Jones.  It’s not personal, I’ve enjoyed him on Around the Horn and the Dan LeBatard and His Dad Show.

This time, I jumped in my car and didn’t pay much attention to what I was listening to.  Suddenly, I realized Bomani was carrying on about one of my all-time favorites, Kobe Bean Bryant.  He was explaining to the people that Kobe’s last NBA game was a farce, he wasn’t good even though he went for 60.  I couldn’t disagree.  He then tried to start explaining the rest of Kobe’s career which was of course one of the best of all time.

Here’s when shit got crazy though.  Bo decided to say that when Kobe was a rookie, and the Lakers were in the playoffs, I believe against the cheating-ass-John Stockton-led Jazz, when Kobe threw up some of the worst air-ball last shots ever, that he was the only person on the team willing to take those shots.

I nearly drove off the road.  Bomani Jones gets paid to talk about basketball!?!?!  Come now Mr. Jones.  This must be what the Counting Crows were singing about when they said Mr. Jones and me tell each other fairy tales.

That is some serious revisionist history to try and bolster a career that needs no bolster.  I called in.  I had to.  I didn’t expect an answer, but soon enough, Bomani said, “Let’s go to Ryan in Montana.”  I was nervous and not as smooth as this will sound, but I needed to be clear. On that team, willing to take that shot, and based on the fact that Kobe was barely able to buy a cigarette, more ready to take that shot were:

• Corey Blount
• Eldon Campbell
• Sean Rooks
• Derek Fisher (Who Sucked)
• Travis Night (Who somehow didn’t suck)
• Jerome Kersey
• Eddie Jones

And…Three guys who proved they should have taken the shots based on the fact that if Del Harris could have hung onto that job he’d be in the Hall of Fame and potentially blowing up the Knicks right now:

• Big Shot Robert Horry
• Showtime Laker Byron Scott
• The Most Underrated Clutch Shooter of All Time – Nick – muther-fucking – Van Exel (I didn’t say that, you can’t say that on ESPN Radio)

Bomani gave me no credit.  LeBatard would have agreed, if he cared about sports.

Peace and Love…Peace and Love

 

 

 

Thick Van Exel, your #18475 place for all things news, sports, fashion, excitement, pop culture, food, animals, science fiction, makeup tutorials, cinema, DIY construction, and many less.

Our writers are here daily to inspire and entertain.  Find us on the social media shit.

Peace and Love…Peace and Love