I’m guessing I’m not alone in essentially calling my fantasy football hopes for this season dashed at best. I don’t know why I suck at fantasy football, but I really seem to suck at fantasy football.
Maybe I just don’t have an eye for football, or maybe I’m watching the wrong things. I decided I’d be good at fake fantasy football. Like fantasy fantasy football. What kind of team could I put together if I could choose from TV and movie football players? I bet it would be fun if nothing else.
There’s gotta be some rules. I can’t take players from movies about real players. Like obviously I would love to take Micheal Oher as a tackle, but that’s too easy. I also couldn’t put Rudy Rudiger on my defensive line, which would be a bad move anyway, but its the point that matters.
That said, I can take actors who were actually athletes. I can’t pick The Rock as a linebacker from the University of Miami, but I can pick Spencer Strasmore from Ballers if I want a retired Dolphin.
So here we go. Like I said, I’m bad at this, so I welcome debate.
Offensive Line –
Billy Bob – Varsity Blues – Played By Ron Lester, who got really skinny, but then died.
Manumana – Necessary Roughness – He was the big dude who protected the Kathy Ireland kicker, who (spoiler alert) will not be my kicker pick.
Turley – The Longest Yard (Sandler Version) – Played By Dalip Singh, who’s credits also include HOUBA! On the Trail of the Marsupilami
I haven’t seen it.
Louie Lastic – Remember The Titans – Played by Ethan Suplee, who is also skinny now, but not dead. His best role was My Name Is Earl which is a classic.
Bud Light Kaminski – The Program – Played by Abraham Benrubi who played the stereotypical big dumb guy in every 90’s show ever made I think.
Quarterback –
This is obviously pretty tough as the quarterback is often the most talked about part of the movie. You have Sandler and Reynolds both killing it as Paul “Wrecking” Crewe. Of course there’s Scott Bakula taking a quantum leap to being football player in Necessary Roughness. The late great Paul Walker in Varsity Blues was a star QB then coach in the same season! And his backup Dawson was a star too! I could go on and on, but my choice, after beating out Dennis Quaid’s, Cap Rooney…
Willie Beamen – Any Given Sunday – Jaimee Foxx, who I thought was super annoying until I heard him on Howard Stern. Now I’m actually a big fan.
Running Backs (This league gives me three) –
Meggett – The Longest Yard – Played by Nelly, because rappers make the best running backs.
Julian Washington – Any Given Sunday – Played by L.L. Cool J, because as I said…
Darnell Jefferson – The Program – Played by Omar Epps, who was once the next Denzel. I don’t know what happened to that cat. Maybe it was because he tried to be Willie Mays Hayes after Wesley Snipes. I’m not sure he can rap, but he plays a running back like he can.
TE/WR –
Rod Tidwell – Jerry Maguire – Played by Cuba Gooding Jr., because he is one of the best characters ever and cried on the Roy Firestone show.
Jarvis Edison – Necessary Roughness – Played by Jason Bateman, who…how the hell did Jason Bateman get cast in a football movie. Justine Bateman is a more believable wide receiver, she was clearly the most athletic Keaton in the Family Ties family.
Charlie Tweeder – Varsity Blues – Played by Scott Caan who’s dad James Caan was the coach in The Program, so he probably gave Scott some tips. You know, cuz he’s a coach and everything.
Deacon Moss – The Longest Yard – Played by Michael Irvin, who actually did a pretty solid job acting like a wide receiver who had some trouble with the law. Wild.
I’m happy with this squad. I think they can score against any fantasy fantasy defense out there.
NEXT UP – DEFENSE